Endless Sacrifice (Franz-centric)

[Snickie]

I published a oneshot the other day of Franz and how he felt and his thought processes while he was creating XANA and everything on 6 June 1994. I tried to keep it canon while explaining more of his background and how felt the whole time about what he was doing and how it affected him and Aelita.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9274364/1/

Reviews and feedback would be very nice, as well as whether or not I should continue the idea. If I do, I was thinking about the following scenarios:
* Franz and Aelita once they were on Lyoko
* Franz on that day in 2003 with Tyron
* Franz in 'The Key'
* Franz in 'Fight to the Finish'
* Franz when he was actually working for Project Carthage
* Franz during season 1
* anything else interesting that's Franz-centric and can be made angsty to fit the theme

I won't continue to write on these idea if there's not enough interest though.

Again, reviews and feedback are highly appreciated.

[Stella Luce 333]

I love this, especially how Franz justified his choice of the sectors & how XANA came to be! I’ve always been a fan of the connection between Franz & Alita, so I’d love to see you continue!

[Fau1tyL0gic]

Hmm, interesting. I'd definitely say keep going.

Nitpicks incoming:

"revered" you meant "reversed."
Superlatives should not be used lightly ("infinitely", "perfect" et cetera).
11th paragraph ("Months turned...his programs") is really awkward.
"Carthage, which was to be destroyed." You already said that.
Earth, as a planet, is capitalized, else it refers to dirt.
General concision.

[Snickie]

Hooray for nitpicking!
A lot of people, mostly in RL, just tell me, "It's really good!" and don't have any concrete feedback for me. So thank you very much, Fau1ty.

Response to critiques:

• "revered" changed to "reversed".
  
• Regarding superlatives, do you think I have used them too lightly? Elaborate please.
  
• Also, how is the 11th paragraph awkward? How would you suggest I fix it?
  
• Deleted the apparent redundancy in "Carthage, which was to be destroyed" in the paragraph talking about the creation of the XANA symbol et cetera.
  
• Fixed the capitalization in Earth-earth
  
• General concision what? Do you feel I was too concise? Should I have added more details or removed some details? If so, where?

[Fau1tyL0gic]

Response to critiques:
[*]Regarding superlatives, do you think I have used them too lightly? Elaborate please.

"But one of these infinitesimal days he would be successful" Infinitesimal means arbitrarily close to zero. It doesn't make sense here.[quote]

"what he had taken on was infinitely bigger" an infinitely big task is impossible. Either change the adjective or change "was" to "seemed."

"It was an impossible task, but he had long since realized that impossible tasks were not out of his reach, so long as his sanity remained intact." Programmers (eg Franz) tend to be quite logical, so here, using impossible takes me out a little bit.

"And it strengthened his resolve to attain the unattainable" Here it doesn't bother me.

[*]Also, how is the 11th paragraph awkward? How would you suggest I fix it?

It's mostly the first sentence, which has too many verbs (and three conjugations of "to realize".)
The sentence "such intricate and complex work" is redundant ("intricate" and "complex" are synonyms) and out of order.
Some redundancy.

Sample rewrite of the paragraph:
"Months turned into years, and his sanity waned. He had vastly underestimated the complexity of his task. Though he now anticipated every creak of the factory, and exactly when his coffee would grow cold, he became increasingly protective of his work. Paranoia set in, despite his few associates having no rational reason to interfere, even inadvertently. He never saw them now anyway; he wasted his life in a dimly-lit computer lab, his only company his coffee and his programs."

[*]General concision what? Do you feel I was too concise? Should I have added more details or removed some details? If so, where?[/list]

No, not concise enough. The level of detail is about right, but there are a number of awkward phrases that shouldn't be there at all. I'd go back through and remove as many words as you can, while not removing content.

Note that these are all nitpicks; I enjoyed reading your story, and that's what really counts.

[Sponsored content]